NABD Rally 2007



Tracey, Thora and I arrived at 1.36pm on the Friday. Why am I being so particular? Coz we never get there so early, or so close to the arranged time! (I was born a month late, apparently, and I don't seem to have caught up yet).

So we stood around, as planned, waiting for Naz to arrive. But he didn't.

Then we started to twitch. Then we got on the phones, trying to find out where he was. To discover another tale of woe and AA coverage. Bugger!

Double bugger, when we realised Naz had the tape for marking out the spot that the Club would need in a few hours...

Then proceeded to spread all our belongings around to try and fill the space. It looked like a bomb-site. Or just like it does on a Sunday when we're all packing up to go home

So three of us wandered around till we found an area we felt we could defend. Then proceeded to spread all our belongings around to try and fill the space. It looked like a bomb-site. Or just like it does on a Sunday when we're all packing up to go home.

Suzie and Dan turned up to deposit more shite, willy-nilly across our patch of green and pleasant. Dan spelt out 'GO AWAY' in beer cans, to discourage interlopers. He was far more polite than I would have been.

Steve and Maggs arrived, then Beetlejuice and Caitlin, to add to the mayhem. So we started nailing things down and getting a bit more organised. Soon it was time for Tracey, Thora and I to get away from the tents and go seek alcohol and food.

Boy, did we find alcohol...

DR. MIKEY'S BITCH BEATER
For that fucked & battered feeling
(10% by volume!)

DR. MIKEY'S FAT BOY CIDER
Gets you pissed enough to forget how grotesque your spouse really is
(7.5% by volume)

BLACK SHADOW
Drink enough and a Harley may just start looking as classy as a Vincent
(6% by volume)

WOBBLY BOB
Will get you so pissed you end up shagging ugly, fat people
(6% by volume)

KNOLL STREET PORTER
A few of these and you'll sound like that twat Janet Street Porter
(5.2% by volume)

SLAUGHTER PORTER
The clue is in the name - a drop of pure refreshment, while digging that nice, shallow grave for your soon to be ex-spouse
(5% by volume)

BREWERS DROOP
As refreshing as a pretty girl who swallows then buggers off home
(5% by volume)

SPECULATION
Speculation=guesswork; like when you think a Harley may get you there. But unlike a Harley, this ale certainly will get you there
(4.8% by volume)

WEST COAST IPA
Perfect for talking utter shite about Harley Davidson 'engineering'
(4.6% by volume)

WANKING MONKEY
Shaking hands and a manic grin! Occasionally saying "Ook"
(4.5% by volume)

WHITE MONK
Famous for "Hops, hops" not fucking "Potato, potato"
(4.5% by volume)

OLD BASTARD
A few pints of this and you'll go down on anything that's still breathing
(4.2% by volume)

ARIZONA
For that feeling of being bombed and torpedoed by Japanese planes, whilst lazing about in Pearl Harbour, when you should have been fighting a war
(4.1% by volume)

SWEATY BOLLOCKS
One of the very few good things to come out of the Forest of Dean
(4% by volume)

FAT C*NT
Turns you into a big, fat, burping fuckwit. Just like the wife
(3.8% by volume)

BLACK PIG MILD
The perfect accompaniment to munching a nice, wet snatch...or buggering swine
(3.6% by volume)

Funnily enough, after this, things started to get a little blurry... More out-of-focus, floating shapes turned up and started to speak Swahili at me, whilst I smiled inanely. They seemed to nail something to the floor to stop all their gear floating away. Then they bumped into lots of other out-of-focus, floaty things with extending tendrils that they wrapped around each other. Then a big, purple, crawling, animal turned up and started spilling it's entrails all over the field. Little animals began scurrying around these entrails, which must have rotted very quickly, as this big, green, blob grew out of the floor - and then swallowed up all the out-of-focus, floaty things.

I knew then, it was gonna be a good rally...

Wigan Paul


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